Every time a man perpetrates violence against a woman, we witness an almost Pavlovian reaction: a chorus of “not all men” from those desperate to distance themselves from the issue. To all men who feel entitled to defend patriarchy by claiming “not all men,” understand this: Women do not need you to remind them that not all men are abusers, just as they don’t need a reminder that not all men have brown eyes.
While it’s true that not all men are abusers, it’s equally true that every man who remains passive in the face of gender-based violence contributes to the maintenance of a system in which women and girls live in constant fear for their safety simply because of their gender.
The impulse to declare “not all men” is not just a deflection—it’s an attempt to redirect the narrative, maintain the status quo and avoid collective accountability.
“Not all men” is deeply rooted in a patriarchal ecosystem that shields those who are not directly culpable from feeling any sense of responsibility for the system as a whole.
“Not all men” silences the voices of women and shifts the focus away from holding the guilty and the system accountable.
“Not all men” derails the conversation from addressing the structural roots of gender-based violence, and instead becomes a defensive exercise that protects the existing power structures allowing such violence to persist.
The problem isn’t with you as an individual man; it’s with the patriarchal structures that men, including you, uphold and benefit from every day. What women do need from men is not individual absolution but collective engagement. Rather than shifting the focus to whether you personally are responsible, join the larger conversation about dismantling the ecosystem that allows gender-based violence to go unchecked.
We need your voices in this fight, not to declare your innocence, but to demand radical change.
Alexandra Lachowsky, Women for Women France Board Member
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Women for Women France (WFWF) is the creator and manager of the national Online Multilingual Online Resource Centre for all people confronted with domestic abuse and gender-based violence in France. Our expertise is in domestic abuse, coercive control, and migrants’ rights.
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